The Gift That Nobody Wants

Before I say anything, I just want to make sure I'm not perceived as someone who's no longer struggling in this area, because that would be totally untrue. I'm still fighting to believe what I'm going to talk about. It's one thing to know this in your head, and quite another to experience it as a genuine reality in your life. I have tasted it though, and even that has been nothing short of life-changing, so I'd like to share it with you. I hope and pray that you will find at least as much liberation in it as I have.

A Piercing Remark

About three years ago, I was having dinner with a family from church, who didn't know about my same-sex attraction at the time. While we were eating, one topic of conversation led to another, and we started talking about a friend, a missionary I believe, who never got married. As a response to what he thought was a borderline tragedy, the then 10-year-old son of the family said something very short but all the more pointed: "That's just sad." I don't remember replying to him – I think his mother did, kindly and patiently explaining to him that some people marry late, while others don't get married at all – but I do remember feeling very, very upset.

Later that night, I tried to make sense of my emotional reaction to this kid's comment, because the way he made me feel was quite extreme, despite the fact that I managed to hide it all at the dinner table.

Was I so upset because what he said was unbiblical? Well, it was unbiblical, but I couldn't fool myself into believing that that was the real reason. It didn't take long before I could actually admit to myself why I felt so angry – not so much with him, but with what he said. I was angry because it was true. Deep down, I agreed with him. I knew I was going to be single for the rest of my life, and this boy, with the straightforward simplicity of a child, completely unaware of the pain he was about to inflict on my already aching heart, just put one of my greatest fears into words: I will never be happy. My life is, and will always be, "just sad".

Is This What We Believe?

I probably don't need to labour too hard to argue for what my young friend articulated so eloquently: singleness has a really bad rep today. I mean, how often do you hear people say, "I want to stay single for the rest of my life"? Or when was the last time you heard a parent say, "I hope my kids never marry"? Now, please don't misunderstand me. I'm not saying that marriage is bad and we should all be single. That would be silly. My point is, that would be just as extreme as saying, "singleness is bad and we should all be married (eventually)". But isn't that what most people believe? Virtually nobody wants to be "blessed with the gift of singleness". At least not for too long. Certainly not for life.

On those rare occasions when single people such as myself have the audacity to call singleness a gift and commend it to others, we can easily come across as if we're just trying to make ourselves feel better and convince ourselves that we're not that pathetic after all. When married people do the same, their words can ring just as hollow. That is because it's easy to have a high view of singleness when you're married. It's not your problem anymore, so you might as well just try and say something encouraging to those who are still lonely and longing for a relationship. That's much "nicer" than telling them what you really think, isn't it?

I'm being cynical, I know. But, you see, we can be – and perhaps more often than not, we are – so cynical about singleness and so biased in favour of marriage that we can hardly believe anyone who dares to even suggest that singleness and celibacy can coexist with contentment and satisfaction. That's probably because the very idea sounds ridiculous to most people – too ridiculous to be worthy of serious consideration. To be single and happy? Even for life? Come on, there's no way that's real. Someone who claims to believe in such an absurdity must be either dishonest or crazy.

Fair enough, but what if that someone is God?

What Does God Say?

When we go to the Bible, and to 1 Corinthians 7 in particular, we see a picture that is utterly different from the prevailing opinion of the world – and, sadly enough, even of the church sometimes. And I don't want to pose here as someone for whom this is easy – the biblical picture is completely foreign to what I would naturally believe as well. In fact, it was my own experience and my own disagreement with this passage that drove me to really engage with it in the first place.

Now, there are many great sermons, studies, and commentaries out there on this chapter, so my goal here is not to repeat what has already been said, but to provide a brief summary of the biblical text as clearly and faithfully as I can, and then talk about how these truths have started to take shape, not just in my mind, but in my heart as well. These are the main points that I think God is teaching us in 1 Corinthians 7:

1. About Marriage

Marriage is a gift from God (v. 7) and it's the norm (vv. 2-6), by which I mean that according to Paul's expectation most people will get married. Underneath this general "concession" as he calls it in verse 6 lies, in part, the fact that marriage is, among other things, a biblical remedy for out-of-control sexual desire, and those who struggle in this area should genuinely consider marriage, if they are able to, as God's gracious provision for them (vv. 2, 5, 9).

Now, this is not explicitly mentioned in our text, but for the sake of completeness I think it's very important to remember that marriage is a part of God's good creation (Genesis 2:24), and it is one of the most glorious relationships that He has ever established in this world. It's a covenant made on earth between a man and a woman that points to an infinitely greater covenant made in heaven between Christ and His church (Ephesians 5:22-33). That's why divorce is such a big deal in God's eyes, which Paul reiterates here in verses 10-11.

But before our view of marriage becomes too Disneyfied (yes, that's a word, I looked it up), let's keep reading, because Paul makes it quite plain that marriage has its own challenges and difficulties. He says that marriage brings trouble in this life (v. 28), and divides our interests between God and our spouse (vv. 32-35) – the former he's trying to spare us from, while the latter he says "for [our] own benefit; not to put a restraint upon [us], but to promote what is appropriate and to secure undistracted devotion to the Lord". For a biblically balanced view of marriage, that's a good thing to know as well.

All things considered, I'm convinced that it is an astounding privilege and a tremendous responsibility to be married.

2. About Singleness

Here we go. This is where things may get a little controversial. But let's keep listening to God nonetheless, and let's resist the devil's attempts to cast doubt on the word of God, whispering, "Did God really say that? Isn't that just Paul's opinion? Look, he says it himself! Twice!" And while it's true that Paul is indeed expressing his opinions a couple of times (vv. 25, 40), that is still happening under the influence of divine inspiration. Despite the fact that we are reading Paul's views and judgments (G1106), they are still God-breathed and therefore Scripture (2 Timothy 3:16), because the apostle formed them as he was carried along by the Holy Spirit (2 Peter 1:21). With that in mind, let's see what God has to say about singleness.

Singleness is a gift from God (v. 7), it's not the norm, but it's good (vv. 1, 8, 26). Yes, the Bible really says that – singleness is good. Not just for certain people, but for anybody. But it gets even more controversial than that. Paul also says that, if one has self-control (vv. 9, 37), singleness is better and happier than marriage (vv. 38, 40). I don't know about you, but when I first read these verses, I thought, "Is this a joke? That can't possibly mean what it says." But the apostle actually uses the words "better" and "happier", not just in English, but in the original Greek as well. The Greek term for "better" also means more useful, more serviceable, more advantageous and more excellent (G2909). And the Greek word for "happier" can also be translated as more blessed (G3107). That's quite a lot to take in. But before I address these things in a little more detail, let me talk about the third and final point.

3. What Ultimately Matters

I wouldn't be surprised at all if the devil wanted to turn this whole discussion into a fight between singleness and marriage. If that happens, then I think we've missed the most important point of this passage. Ultimately, this chapter is neither about singleness, nor about marriage. Every time I read it, Paul's focus seems to be elsewhere. I think the deepest root of his reasoning is in verse 31, where he says that "the form of this world is passing away".

By the way, that is why I don't believe that the application of this passage is somehow limited to a particular time of distress in the history of the church (v. 26). While it may be true that Paul had a specific period of time in mind when he penned these words, I think the overall context of this chapter makes it clear that Paul's views concerning singleness, marriage, and what ultimately matters are universally true.

And if "the form of this world is passing away" (v. 31), then your marital status is utterly and gloriously secondary. Not insignificant, but secondary to what ultimately matters: the keeping of the commandments of God (v. 19), holiness (v. 34), and devotion to the Lord (v. 35). And both singleness and marriage can either facilitate or hinder the development of these virtues, depending on how you use the gift that God has given you.

From Hearing to Believing

Now, I would be the first to admit that knowing these things just in your head is not enough. We need more than just a cerebral understanding of God's word, but we can't have less. That's where it all starts: faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God (Romans 10:17). And in my case, what this meant specifically was the hearing and internalising of these three distilled truths from 1 Corinthians 7:

Single people can be deeply and genuinely happy.

Marital status is secondary. Holiness is primary.

The form of this world is passing away.

If you can at least mentally acknowledge that these statements are true, purely on the basis that the Bible tells you so, then the next "step", so to speak, is to make them your own. To absorb them. To spend time with them until they no longer sound foreign and absurd. To hold fast to them until they become a part of you. In my experience, that comes by mediation and prayer. That's how you begin to erode and dismantle your worldly ideas and replace them with godly convictions. This profound reorientation of your thinking, which the Bible calls "the renewing of your mind", is the key to escaping the corruption of this world, undergoing lasting spiritual transformation, and experiencing for yourself that God's will is indeed good and acceptable and perfect (Romans 12:2). This is a process that takes time and effort, but it's necessary – it's an essential part of the dynamics of biblical change.

I wish I had the right words to describe how liberating it feels when the truths I just listed take root and start growing in your heart. It's like you can breathe again. You're beginning to realise that even if you remain single and celibate for the rest of your life, it's okay – you're not doomed to be lonely and miserable. Real happiness – not something that's second best, but the real deal – has not been taken from you. Your future is not dark. There is still hope.

For someone like me, this is unbelievably powerful. I still have a long way to go; I still get really discouraged and to some degree even depressed at times, but I've tasted this. It's real. And even a small dose of it is liberating beyond words.

Back to the Basics

By the way, did you spot the gap in my reasoning a little earlier? I said that once you know the truth, the next step is to make it your own. But that logic only makes sense if you really believe that conforming your thoughts, and in fact your whole life, to God's word is genuinely good for you. And that's exactly where the rubber meets the road for me. Because there are times when I don't feel like that's the case at all – especially when it comes to lifelong singleness and celibacy. There is a little voice in my head that says, "Look, you will never marry, you will never have sex, and you will never be a dad. How on earth can that be good? If God says it is, then that only proves that He doesn't really know you. Or that He doesn't really love you, which is even worse."

Believe it or not, that voice – satanic as it is – is actually helpful. It's helpful, because when I hear it, I know exactly where to go: to the gospel. How can I believe, even for a moment, that God is against me when I look at the cross? How can I believe that He's not good? How can I believe that He doesn't have my best interest at heart? When I ponder the love of God in the gospel, my doubts and fears begin to fade away:

"He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things?" (Romans 8:32)

Yes, all things. All things that are good for us (v. 28). All things that conform us to the image of His Son, which is our ultimate good (v. 29). That is where the dimly burning wick of my faith is kindled afresh into a flame. That is where I can't possibly deny that God is good. To me, there is nothing deeper than this – I've reached the bedrock of my confidence in the goodness of God. And if God is good, then His word is good. And if His word is good, then singleness is good. And if singleness is good, then deep, genuine and lasting happiness is possible – even for me.

In your heart of hearts, do you believe this?