'Love Is Love'

Love is love. We've all heard it. And although the statement itself is not particularly informative (sorry, my pedantic side didn't allow me to skip over that), we all know what it means. In the context of homosexuality, it means that "gay love" is exactly the same as "straight love" – it's just as real, just as precious, and therefore, just as legitimate. Actually, the whole point of the message is to get rid of the labels "gay love" and "straight love" altogether. After all, love is love.

And fair enough, I mean, who would disagree? Christians? Apparently, they shouldn't, because the Bible says that love is the highest virtue of all: it's the summary of all the commandments (Matthew 22:34-40), it's the fulfilment of the Law (Galatians 5:14), it's the chief fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23), and without it, no matter who we are or what we do, it's all empty and meaningless (1 Corinthians 13:1-3). Now that's all true, but the thing is, if we quote the Bible on the supremacy of love, we should quote the Bible on the definition of love as well.

What Is Biblical Love?

"Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

Nearly everybody knows this text. It is perhaps the most beautiful description of love in the entire Bible. This is the kind of love that God has shown us in His Son, and this is the kind of love that He is calling us (and in fact commanding us) to have in ourselves too.

For those of you who know enough Greek to be a bit concerned that I'm about to form a biblical understanding of homosexual eros based on a passage about agape, I think it's important to remember that the New Testament doesn't actually use the word "eros", and even when it talks about marital love between a husband and his wife, it describes it as "agape" (Ephesians 5:22-33).

With that in mind, I think it's entirely legitimate to ask, "How does gay love fit with the biblical picture? Can it be within its bounds?" Not flawlessly of course, but just like straight love: while no heterosexual couple can live up to the perfect standard of Scripture, their love is nonetheless recognised by God as good and right. So my more refined question is, "Is there anything in gay love that inherently disqualifies it from being biblical?" That's awfully personal to me, with a huge impact on my whole life, so I really want to know the answer.

There Is Good in Gay Love

Yes, there is. And I think it would be very extreme (and rather unbiblical) to say that there is nothing good in gay love. I mean, let's just look at our text again. Love is patient. Can a gay couple be patient with one another? Of course. Kind? Definitely. Selfless? Absolutely. Forgiving? No doubt. There are so many "boxes" here, so to speak, that gay love "ticks" (I'm not going to mention all of them as they are quite obvious) that I think it would be both ignorant and insensitive of anyone to claim that gay love is altogether evil. The only reason I'm pointing this out is that there are people who genuinely believe that gay love is corrupt to the core. As far as I can see, that is not in line with Scripture (and neither does it correspond to my personal experience, but that is of secondary importance).

So What's Wrong With It?

But – yes, unfortunately, there is a but – there are at least a couple of things in this passage that I can't seem to reconcile with gay love.

1. It's Unbecoming

The first one is in verse 5, where Paul says that love "does not act unbecomingly". Now that's a strange phrase. It sounds quite old actually. We don't really use it very often these days. When I hear it, I tend to think of a knight from the Middle Ages trying to win the heart of a young lady. In pursuing her, he does not act unbecomingly. He is marked by courtesy, chivalry and honour. If you're familiar with The Chronicles of Narnia, these qualities very much describe our beloved Reepicheep. On the flip side, to be unbecoming is to be inappropriate, improper, unseemly, unpresentable, indecent, and shameful (which sounds a lot like Eustace, by the way, before his incredible transformation – no wonder these two didn't quite see eye to eye at first in The Voyage of the Dawn Treader). The Greek term that Paul uses here conveys the same meaning (G807).

Okay, but what does that have to do with same-sex relationships? As someone who happens to be fairly familiar with the specific texts that directly address homosexuality in the Bible, when I hear the word "unbecoming", my mind quickly goes to Romans 1:26-27, where Paul uses very similar language to describe homosexual activity between men (G808). Both terms come from the same root: an adjective that also means deformed (G809). That's really offensive, I know. But still, painful as it is, the New Testament presents homosexual activity in this way, and says, "Love does not act like that." Let me say that again: love does not act like that.

That's the first attribute of biblical love that gay couples cannot conform to. Not only because they are fallen and sinful just like straight couples are, but also because their relationships – and this is the key issue here – are inherently inappropriate, shameful, and yes, even deformed. Now, at this point, if you're tempted to dismiss me as [insert your favourite pejoratives here], please believe me when I say that I don't consider myself morally superior to you in any way. This is God's word, not mine, and as a gay man, it's very hard for me to hear too – much harder than most of my rather opinionated critics seem to realise.

2. It's Unrighteous

The second thing that Paul says about love that I cannot square with same-sex relationships is in verse 6: love "does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth". I guess you already know why I think this is an issue. The Bible clearly teaches that homosexuality is unrighteous (1 Corinthians 6:9-11). There is an absolute standard of right and wrong that God has established and no man can redefine – at least not forever, and certainly not without consequences. According to this standard, same-sex relationships are sinful. And before you accuse me of being too cavalier about this, I'd like you to know that what I just said hurts me more than mere words on a screen could ever do it justice. But God's word is true, and no matter how painful it is at times, I cannot make it untrue (Psalm 119:89; Mark 13:31).

Let's keep that in mind as we consider verse 6: love does not rejoice in, does not delight in, and does not take pleasure in unrighteousness – including homosexuality. To put it even more personally, love does not rejoice in a same-sex partner. That sounds brutal, I know. But again, love doesn't do that. Love rejoices with the truth. I don't think it's a coincidence that the words "unrighteousness" and "truth" are woven into Romans 1:18-32 as well in the most profound and unmistakable fashion. The passage that presents homosexual acts as indecent (vv. 26-27) starts with the declaration: "the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men who suppress the truth in unrighteousness" (v. 18). Fallen men do not rejoice with the truth, but rejoice in unrighteousness. That's the exact opposite of what love does. Yet it comes so naturally to us, doesn't it? Perhaps we are more fallen and more twisted than we think.

So this is the second thing that's unbiblical about gay love: it does not conform to the righteousness of God. What's right in our own eyes doesn't seem to line up with God's definition of right and wrong. That's not new. Now the question is, what do we do when we find ourselves in disagreement with God? Do we straighten up before the Creator of the universe and proudly assert that we know better than Him? We can do that – remarkably enough. But only for a time, after which we will pay the ultimate price for our foolishness and rebellion. Or we can humble ourselves before the King of kings and Lord of lords, acknowledge His absolute supremacy in all things, and let His word shape us and transform us from the inside out. I'm more than familiar with the first path. I used to walk on it for years. But now, by the grace of God, I'm walking on the second – with both difficulty and joy.

The Truth Hurts and Heals

These are the two characteristics of biblical love that really stood out to me in opposition to the idea that gay love is "just like" straight love. There may be more in this text: verse 7, for instance, is so broad and comprehensive in its potential application that it's highly unlikely that I've covered everything. But that's okay – that wasn't my goal in the first place. In this article, I wanted to point out the painful yet wholesome truth that gay love, unlike straight love, inherently falls short of the biblical ideal.

Honestly, I never expected that my understanding of love would need any major revisions. After all, what could be more natural and more self-evident than to know what love is, right? But as it turned out, real love is different from what I've soaked up like a sponge from popular songs and movies, and from the culture around me. It's wider and longer and higher and deeper – and more challenging – than anything this world has to offer. I've seen that in the Bible, and I've tasted it in my own life.

This perspective on love has really helped me grapple with the temptations I still face as a result of my ongoing same-sex attraction. When I meet someone that I could easily have feelings for, I can now say to myself, "If I truly love this man, I will not pursue a romantic relationship with him. Not only because it would be immoral, but also because it would be unloving." Resisting my same-sex desires this way taps into a deeper motivation that I have found much stronger than the purely authority-based "No, that's wrong, don't do it." Which is not to be neglected or taken lightly of course, but alongside that, it's much more powerful to also think, "Love him truly."

True Love

So, what about "love is love"? Is it true? Is gay love exactly the same as straight love? Well, biblically speaking, no, it isn't. Gay love is like straight love in some ways – in a number of real and meaningful ways, actually. But no, it's not the same, because gay love is inherently unbecoming and unrighteous in God's sight. That's a very hard truth, but I'd rather have that than a comfortable lie. So I've decided to let go of what I as a fallen and fallible creature feel is right, and hold fast to what my Creator and Redeemer says is right. Here's why:

Jesus Christ, the most loving Person who ever walked this earth, was also the most righteous. He never sinned. Not even once. And He demonstrated His perfect love by bearing the Father's wrath against our sin and clothing us with His own righteousness. That's why I trust Him. And since He was willing to go that far to save us, I am convinced that when He invites us to follow Him, to learn from Him, and to be conformed to His image, He's not calling us to participate in some oppressive religion that will make us miserable. On the contrary, He's calling us to have fellowship with Him, to see His infinite glory, and to share in His boundless joy (John 17:24; 15:11; 17:13).

Listen to what the author of Hebrews, quoting Psalm 45:7, puts forth as the reason why Jesus was – and still is – the happiest Person in the universe: "You have loved righteousness and hated lawlessness; therefore God, Your God, has anointed You with the oil of gladness above Your companions" (Hebrews 1:9). You see, just as love is inseparable from righteousness, so righteousness is inseparable from gladness. And that's exactly what Jesus offers us: His love, His righteousness, and His joy.

Let's not miss this. Let's not miss true love.